What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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