So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
