I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize