i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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