i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
