My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
