there's paper in my vomit.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize
