shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
