why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Acid is not a monday night drug
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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