Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
