My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Randomize
