anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
