Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize