It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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