I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
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