PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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