omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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