I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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