did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Randomize
