I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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