how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize