I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Randomize
