i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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