Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
