I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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