i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
