are you so shy because you have an std?
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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