My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
