my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
