Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
