Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
