Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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