everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
