My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
