when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
