I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Be still, my beating vagina.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
