I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
