There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize