I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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