margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
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