are you so shy because you have an std?
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
