I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Randomize
