wanna go halves on a baby?
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
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