He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
