Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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