I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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