She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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