My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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