Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
