My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
