Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
