We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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