thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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