Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
