Porn is love you can see.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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