I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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