chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Who died my cat blue again?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
