I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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