I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
