I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
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