My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
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