I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
