i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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