Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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