Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Randomize
